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Published February 26th 2012
Planning a trip to London? There are sure to be many questions you want answers to.
Some are really informative and some are just downright fun to read.
Over the years, many tourist questions have been asked which have ranged from the sensible to the absurd
Here's a collection of questions that have been asked and some answers for them (A word of warning - don't take our answers any more seriously than the questions).
Image Credit: FaceMePLS (Wikimedia Commons)
How can I have tea with the Queen? Just give her a call, I'm sure she's free
Are there guided tours of M15? Yes, they are called taxis, however, the commentary may lack a little.
When do the clowns come on at Piccadilly Circus? They should arrive right after the trained pigeons perform for you.
What time does "evil song" start at St Paul's Cathedral? Generally right after the funny song but often before the moaning song
Which side of the river is London Bridge on? Well, now there's a dilemma. Sadly it is designed so that no matter which side you are standing on, there will be an entry on the other side of the river. It's designed this way to confuse tourists.
Where can I hire a banana boat? On the Thames, right next to the apple boats and the pear boats, but they are often out of stock, you may be thinking of the Canary Islands - that's just a little to the South West of London by around 2300miles.
Is it a long walk to Times Square?
It depends where you are walking from, if your starting point is Manhattan USA, it shouldn't take too long at all
Where about is the Eiffel Tower?
France folks - its a small province of the UK, just slightly to the right.
Which way to the beach?
Fortunately we are an island (including a small province named Scotland), you can therefore head any direction to arrive at the beach. Upon arrival, you will be met by garland offering ladies and men swaying palm fronds in your direction.
When does Tower Bridge move?
"Daniel Horwendill, a Utah-based mogul and head of investment group Banquovius, is reported to have paid US$200million (£133million) for the 116-year-old structure after months of secret negotiations with City Of London authorities. Sources suggest that, although a wild backlash is expected, the bid was deemed too high a figure to refuse."
The above is an extract from the Daily Mail article "Tower Bridge sold off to America for £130million as billionaire 'buys the right bridge this time.' Published on 1st April 2010.
Where can I see the buildings destroyed in the Second World War?
Destroyed, gone, removed, damaged, history, zip, nada, none here, all gone
Where do the Spice Girls live?
Just around the corner from the The Beatles, Eric Theodore Cartman and the Queen.
Are there any lakes in the Lake District?
Lakes, ponds, bodies of water - yes, you should find a few.
In what month is the May Day demonstration?
That would be May.
What time do you switch the mist off? - Asked a visitor to Dover Castle and the Secret Wartime Tunnels, in Kent.
I think you may have your locations muddled with your theme parks.
What is the entry fee for Brighton?
It's a town, again, perhaps muddled with a theme park. Should you encounter someone trying to sell you entry tickets, it can usually be waived by zipping around the corner, onto the beach and scooting up the main part of town.
Why on earth did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?
Poor business planning, alas it wasn't well thought out.
Is this where Sharon and Ozzie actually live? - Asked a visitor to Osborne House, Isle of Wight
Sure and if you're free, I can take you on a rather expensive tour of the star's homes.
Is Wales closed during the winter?
Alas, possibly. We have posted signs to request the last departing member to remember to turn off the lights on their way out.
Can you tell me who performs at the circus in Piccadilly?
It varies, generally acts are swapped with the pigeons and clowns.
Why did they build so many ruined castles and abbeys in England? - Asked a tourist at Whitby Abbey, North Yorkshire
Which bus do I get from the Orkney Islands to the Shetland Islands?
A rather wet one, although - quite seriously - there is a ferry.
What time of night does the Loch Ness monster surface and who feeds it?
No one is certain of this any longer, since the caretaker mysteriously disappeared.
Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?
Not quite, however its just a short hop, skip and a jump for 46 miles and you're there.
And lastly, just to finish off with a nice little prejudiced comment:
How much is that in real money?
I'll leave that one with you to ponder.
If you are a Brit - I hope this made you smile. If you are visiting from overseas, the UK is a first world country, much of what they have is the same as many other countries. The nightlife is amazing, the history and culture is awe inspiring, the scenery beautiful. Make sure you jump on and grab some last minute cheap theatre tickets, take a drive through the Cotswolds.
Relax and enjoy your trip.
You may find the Brits are not all that different to you.
Please feel free to add in your own funny comments and questions you have heard in London.